Take The Call: Urs or Mine

Well to say the least
It really doesn't cost much
To treat yourself to a feast
Of other folk's foes as such
It takes some courage to pay
Not Dollars here I am to speak
On your pouring rainy day
For another's shoes to climb the peak

What matters here is the fact
No matter the time and date
We must employ our best tact
To deal with the cards played by fate

It only strikes you one day
Life's isnt a race but only a rope
There is no right or the wrong way
Just learn the trick with living hope
The knots & binds that greet
Are those colorful men of HIM
On this roll, you surely gonna meet
Of myriad fancies and whim

Another day it dawns on you
Trying to climb up when you fall
The ones who made a promises few
To catch you falling standing tall

There will be plenty of moments
where life will throw a query at you
Why did you knot at the bend
Where you could bind a few
And if the knots gives way
It definitely be not your day
Cause if it is you who did fall
It was obviously only your call

I just knew it always

Lying on my back
On the hay shack
Under the moonlight
& A Starlit Night

Mist filled the air
Breeze ruffled my hair
The seagul took its flight
Smiling back at my plight

I knew I'd See
A picture of Me
Known only by few
In the sky deep blue

As lay my hand
On the wet sand
The sea sang a song
Hadn't heard that for long

Wind cleared the sky
Saw the clouds Fly
As waves touched my feet
The heart skipped a beat

I knew I did see
A picture of me
Known only by few
In the sky deep blue

You Said It.....

With the warm wind that blew in
That Day through the gap in my window
Whispering in my ears, a whiff on my chin
My head tilted away and the eyes shut
Caught in it, struggling before I could know
But......YOU SAID IT

With the darkness that fell around noon
That day when the green leaves turned grey
Everyone anxiously awaited the thunderous boon
The laden clouds that furiously flew
Lost in it, expecting the rains I fell prey
And......YOU SAID IT

With a bright morning sun's first rays
That day when they woke me up with a hug
Pulled me closer to prep me for the day
The mist still lingers on behind my ears
Was still asleep and in the softness I dug
Just Then......YOU SAID IT

The rain washed down the white walls
That day when it came without a storm
Drenched me with prayers and promises over all
The chill of the raindrops I felt on my back
Was shrugging and shaking myself hard to dry
When exactly........YOU SAID IT

So many times, knowing unknowing
You just silently let me know
The magical words to which the hearts beat
With the raindrops, sunrays, wind & breeze
Through that little crack in the window
I always and always know
YOU SAID IT

A Thought On My Mind

Just like the storm that blew in this afternoon
And brought with it a whiff of the earth's scent
A thought left behind a footprint in my room
Looked back, smiled and hugged me before it went

Hours went by and I didn't know where to look
The scent was blowing with the breeze
I wish the storm could, but it never really took
I tried really hard, but time refused to freeze

Promise me sooner than later you will be here
Shooing away the darkness with that magical light
To fill up the senses, of doubt, loses and fear
And I will look forward to those stormy nights

Of The Poppies & Lillies

The road was meandering along
and I kept walking
on the sidewalk, skipping at the boulders
Sometime here and sometime there
Right in the middle of the road
balancing like a dancer on the divider

And when I looked left
you were there, ready to hold
And when I looked right
you were there, ready to scold
Only through your eyes
wondering at my moves
Ohh I love that LOOK
a li'l worry, a li'l tense & a lot of love

It brings a joy to my heart
that only poppies did as a kid
The bright red ones with black eyes
that swung to a rhythm in the breeze
To light up a smile in me
everytime I turned around to see
They taught me a step in dance
look up and smile everytime you get a chance

It makes me alive with a glow
that only lillies did as a kid
Rows and Rows of yellows n pinks
would greet me inbetween the winks
To bring in a desire to be more
than just the overt confidence I wore
They taught me a way of life
never be too wrought to strife

Its like that often with you
its the moments I get very few
It reminds me of those times as a kid
the smile n dance thing that we did
It brings back the memories
Of the wonderful Poppies and lillies :)

Games People Play....

She said she loved the game
Tip toeing out just as it felt it would rain
The first blaze of thunder
And she ducks right under
When she peeps out again
It has already started to rain

She said she just loved the game
She didn't learn from any master,
She did learnt it from her dame
To catch the raindrops in her hair
Away from any watchful glare

She said she loved this game
Watching the clouds float from the window pane
She loved just a little more
If she could find this on a sea shore

She often said she loved the game
Of droplets of rain washing away all pain
Only if she could let the cloud see
What the mountains said to thee

She said she simply loved the game
When she just like the mountain
Stood tall in the way
And the clouds touched her as if to say
How they wished to soothe away her pain
Under the strength of the mountain

Actually she really loved this game
She felt she could now show
If only there was a little time
She would let the clouds know
Just like the drops of water
They carried in them
Deep inside the mountain that she was
There were springs flowing too

Father's Day.....

There have been times when I have vehemently debated the need to celebrate these days; Father's Day, Mother's Day, Daughter's Day et al.....though let me honestly tell you that I never doubt the reason to celebrate a Valentine's Day surprisingly....But a Father's Mother's Daughter's day I have always felt there is no need for....
A lover probably needs a day to let you know how special you are and how magnificently you might have changed(altered) his/her life not because he/she loves you any more on that day, but may be because he/she can innovate a special way of letting you know the love they hold for you in their hearts...
But how can a parent, who held you in your first moment on this earth innovate a special way...try and understand their dilemma as they held you in their arms on that fateful day; they were innovating the best way to hold a new born and thereafter they have tried their best to innovate at every stage to be the most amazing/awesome way they can be....
They innovated numerous ways to change diapers, feed apple juice, toilet train, teach tables of 7,8,13,17, help you graduate from one stage to another in life seamlessly....

Contradicting my belief of not needing to celebrate a Father's Day, My BABA has been on my mind a little more than he does on an ordinary day, or perhaps it is all this media led diarrhea of emotions but the fact is that I wish I could meet him today and share a quiet evening. And just like most things in life it is exactly today that we are coincidentally about 1000miles away. So I thought it is best that I write a Blog to share with you all what I and Baba share.....

William Wordsworth said,"Father : to God himself we can't give a holier name."...well for me I don't know how God looks or really is in person, so for quite some time now I have alternatively used the terms Nature & God to refer to this infinite power that handles us. But I know what Baba looks like, he looks like this Dad whom I resemble more than I do with my mom; he also looks like this friend who I want to go out for lunch with; he looks like that mentor I can sit over with a drink(I can actually ask him to pick up beer on his way back from office); he looks like a child I want to send for a play, movie or trip and more than anything else he looks like ME really!!

I have a mail in my drafts whose subject read - "World's Best Savings Bank Account" where I maintain a note of all the credit and debit that goes on between me and Baba....however small or big we write it down to just remind us how much I really owe him...I very often search for that mail and just go through it wondering at the sheer physical virtual impossibility of the repayment of all the loans. But still I guess it is a great idea to keep noting down anyways...

I see fathers of all types around me; those who dote on thei kids, those who keep a distance, those who are not that communicative, those who play a silent role, those who are a father and just about that, those who have spent so much in becoming friends that they have not remained fathers.....But I can't fit Baba in any of those compartments, coz with him its different....

Well It wasn't always like this also because there were times when he was just being a father, who came home late from work, who stayed out for weeks on official tours, who just came in to ask how much I scored in my Monday test, who just picked and dropped me to tuitions. Baba was a dad people envied, but back then I only wondered why :( To me he came across as ordinary because he just went about doing what Ma couldn't do or just asked him to do...But then came a time not quite ceremoniously but it did come and usher in a era of change between me and Baba.
I would like to ask Baba here if he remembers this.....Cause I do with crystal clarity that day and that moment...but it didnt stop there and what continued was a silent understanding of expectations, role playing and delivery. It was somewhere in 2006 as I turned 22 that I first and completely understood the depth of our relationship Baba. For all those years of graduation; from school to college; from teenage to young adulthood; from a student to a professional were clouded in the myriad hues of insecurities, fear, doubt, uncertainity. And my understanding of US went through troughs and peaks of a graph sheet though we often said that we were gonna be carbon copies of each other.

I mentioned in the last para in 2006 as I turned 22, I think BABA went through a bigger metamorphosis. It wasn't me at this stage who did or achieved this transformation in our relationship, it was he who changed, it was he who took those giant steps to transform from a dad to being my world :) And I just love him for this, cause now when I look around myself and see dads of my friends(this is an indicative estimate and does not cover everyone), they are continuing to play the dad but they are losing out on having grown up children who are adults and can be great company.
It was like a wand of a magician that each day you unfurled a new dimension to being a great Dad.....
1. One Day he just made me drop my inhibitions to share with you even a crime that a might have committed
2. One day he made me discuss with him my deepst fear without dreading a gyaan session
3. One day he made me tell him how ridiculous my BF was behaving and how he should just help me drop him
4. One day he made me realize that we can have some secrets between us too
5. One day he made me understand that it wouldn't be easy to stand by what I really believe in
6. One day he let me know that I should be accepted for what I am, and not for what others would like me to be
7. One day he told me that I could tell him the truth about just about everything and he would take it from me on face value
8. One day he made me believe that no matter who tells him what, if its about Me, It will be Me who will have the last say
9. One day he imbibed in me a sense of belonging like never before I dad known
10. One day he made me remember by heart that I was Great, when I was Honest with myself

And that ONE DAY everytime he just kept on changing my life forever...

Today I can take him into cofidence and let him know even if I am gonna be doing the most silly thing possible for my age. But I would like to tell you that I havn't yet figured out the secret of how he catches me when I am planning to do something that might not be the correct thing to do....and on those days too, he doesn't confront or complain....he simply asks me 2 extra questions asking me what, where and when and I am told that it isnt the right thing to do....and so I send him a text sms saying, "PLAN CANCELLED".....

and I just say Dilip Mishra; tussi great ho!

Love you Baba; not in the conventional, written over and over again kind of way but in a very different special way....cause you innovated so well in the past 5 years to play a role which i no longer think can be just covered by the term Father.
Nevertheless on this Father's Day; you were on my mind a little more than ever and this is just to let you know that I wish to be like you a tinny winny bit!!

I wish To Let You Know......

Actually I only wish that I could somehow let you know

That I have lost myself in the orange sun going down
Over some distant palm trees merging into a purple moor

That I am trying to bring myself to this present moment
Away from the promises of that retreating sunlight

I wish to let you know, that I can see that sun setting
Losing itself faster than ever in the arms of the horizon

Lost in my thoughts, not holding onto you
But having you around myself, like I always do

It is like that day, sitting side by side, with mugs of coffee between us
We saw the skies turn purple before dark
And we saw the stars come on to smile back at us
As we sat not holding onto each other, But having each other around

I wish I could let you know how the sun went down that day...

I wish
.......I only wish

Windows

Many years ago, perhaps in class 6 or 7 I once stood up for a extempore competition. When I went up on the dias, with knees knocking against each other, hands trembling(though you might find it ridiculous, yes I did suffer from stage fright), I didnt want to sink in the bowl of folded topics fearing the worst- perhaps a topic on Nuclearization, Politics, History( I wasnt the most updated always).
But to my utter surprise and I must admit now a bit of disgust, the words scribbled on my chit of paper was - WINDOWS. For a split second, I didnt know what to speak....But then I did...you know about what....about Microsoft Windows ;-) . At the age of 12, it was considered smart and I was appreciated for my wit about Bill GATEs opening up a WINDOW to the world...I think I did a fair job in 180seconds coz I spoke uninhibited and unlimited about this square in the wall with four colors in the four grids....
But today, I couldn't help but visit that day again and contemplate what would I speak now if I was to speak of a window today.....I was looking out of the window which has a light blue hue coz of the curtains reflecting on the glass....faint green leaves of a neem tree, blown away with the wind filled the spectrum....one moment swinging left, the next moment swinging right....I pulled myself out of my bed, opened the window and stretched out my arms through the white metal grill to pull into a branch of the rainwashed leaves from the previous night....just then a drop of rain fell on my eye lid and I realized that it was raining still....at that moment I wanted to rush out to under the tree....but then I couldnt as I was only at the window...(of a thirdfloor apartment)
Such is the beauty of windows, they are your viewing pane for the world....yet they don't promise you an escapade!! Do we sometimes not wish that there were always doors and gates and not windows....well may be & may be not....
After all whats the fun of just pulling at the knob and walking through to the otherside.....what about the serennity of the restricting window grill that forces you to rejoice in the distance that is forced between you and the beloved...
Sometimes I can't help but think of our relationships as windows; almost always you cannot pull open the door and walk through and often it allows a brief peek into what it entails....
There was an exchange of thoughts I read somewhere a few days ago:
He said,"Today you have walked straight into me, deep inside me"
She said,"You mean I wasn't there already"
He said,"You went deeper today, just understand the feeling"
She kept quite at that.....
He said,"U understand"
She said,"Ya"
He asked,"What"
She said,"Just that it was about going deeper, while I waited at the doorstep and wondered where the calling bell was. Didnt even peep through the crack in the hinges"
He said,"Hmmm"
She said further,"May be I should try the window, atleast I would see whats going on in there"

See I told you, Windows are a better operating system for relationships.....at least you get to see whats inside or perhaps outside? They are better than doors, no one just walks through...(May be that's why Bill Gates never coined his product Doors ;)

If you have reached till here, it is time that you'd know U ARE MY WINDOW....had it not been for you, I did never know the simple pleasures of the relationship I share with you....To each one of you who reaches here, please keep the window open for me to perch on the sill on some evenings of our life and have that conversation while the rain makes a splatter splitter noise on the pane.....See you there always!!

Things I Want to do Before I Die

Those of you who reach this page(please note you are a privilege few) might have wondered while you read the title of this post....What Happened Today for me to chalk out this list....Well my dear friends....nothing at all :)
Just that I thought, it has to be some day, that a list will have to be drawn out of all the things that I desire and so I thought it better be today and now.
This list could be 10things or a 100, but if you find similarities with 60% of things on my list, please thank God that we crossed eachother's path....coz it has been and it will be pleasure to know you and your list....
So here it goes.....
1. Visit Leh & Ladakh

2. Learn swimming & swim with Dolphins(somewhere)

3. Write a Travelogue

4. Own a Log House near a silent lake anywhere in the world(i can almost hear the dew falling)

5. Safari in Africa (Giraffes, Zebras n Tigers)

6. Have a Cafe of my Own

7. Spend a long time with Sameera in Montreal (really long time)

8. Have Kids

9. Be a Housewife and raise my kids

10. Write a column for top dailies in the world

11. Be with people I have ignored in the past

12. Say Sorry to some of the people I have really hurt

13. Visit London with Swati

14. Buy a BMW

15. Buy a penthouse on the 35th floor of a building

16. Stand there with a view of the city, swirl the mint leaves in my ice tea with my best friends and talk with our silence

18. Go back to study

19. Join a community service cause

20. Learn Salsa

21. Learn & assist in healthcare services for women where there are none

22. Learn to make some desserts(tiramisu, cakes n truffles)

23. Shop at the Sunday flea market of Nottinghill(will assume Hugh Grant is with me)

24. Meet Johnny Depp

26. Have a pair of Jimmy Choo n may be a bag too

27. Go Sky Diving

28. Sponsor children education

29. Get Drenched in the rain at the shore of a sea with my soulmate nearby

30. Travel across Europe(perhaps alone)

31. Sit by the sea side all through the nite on a full moon night

32. Cook a great continental dinner for my friends

33. Have dinner with Ranbir Kapoor

34. Have a Zero size figure n wear that LBD

33. Eat Ice Creams and never have to worry about my weight gain

34. Skiing at Switzerland

35. Buy a 2carat solitaire ring

36. Write a Book

37. Go on a Holiday with Indira(anywhere would do for us)

38. Have Dev buy me a Longines

39. Join some PEACE Corp(read army/airforce) in some way at some point of my life

40. Para Glide

41. Live and work in New York(Manhattan)

42. Shop to my heart's content at Paris, Milan, London et al

43. Learn Pattiserie in Germany/ Switzerland

44. Host a Travel or Food Show

45. Grow Old Gracefully(Nafisa Ali)

46. Fulfill some of my eccentric souldriven fantasies(lets not get into the details here)

47. Take Baba on a world tour

48. Take Shikher to Midnapore

49. Find some love for some of the people who have brought out the worst in me in life(will like to forgive n move on)

50. Smile Always....

poooooofffffffff......more another time......

As You Go.....

As you go today

As you walk away

Just turn around once,

Not to let me know anything

That I dont know

But to give me a moment

To sow you inside me

As a seed of myself

Through my eyes and yours

For the time till you return

I shall hold within me

That last look you gave me

And nurture to form a vision

Of a time in distant future

Of watching a sunrise together

Over the mountains, with dew on our toes

Its Been A Long Long Time...

Wow.....I really wonder what kept me away for so long.....but WOW...I really wonder MORE about what is it that has kicked me hard to be back here once again....or perhaps you would have known if you could look at me at this moment..
Its amazing how time(read moments) just escapes the grip of your hand like those tiny mustard seeds, that we wish we could hold on tightly forever. We've tried as long as I can remember yet the mind is never really prepared to look at an empty palm of your hand.....But Why?? What is the fear here?? I think the question we are toying with is....What is it you gonna be left with, once everything fizzles out....

One over-riding conviction that has settled into my thinning and greying hair[its surprising how quickly it is happening ;) ] lately is that more and more we let ourselves get enveloped by the FEAR ....fear of WHYs WHATs HOWs WHENs ....the faster we are gonna loose what we can conserve while it is still with us.
As time is running ahead[I hate saying it's running by], I can't help but rejoice at the bountiful experience it is sharing with me.....and thats when I constantly feel that it would be a waste to worry about what will happen next. If this moment is gonna be spent is contemplating what will the next moment usher in, we will be rushing too fast into the future. As if we will be sitting on a mound of those mustard seeds very briefly before our large bums hit the hard floor....Ouch :)

Just live this moment before it runs out because it might be a very long wait before another such moment comes your way.....or perhaps this one is the first one and the last one. So why should we just let this pass, without living it fully and by fully I mean a consciously & fully aware here.

LIVE UP GUYS!!